This is my year of “No.” I decided when the school year started, I was going to do my mental health a favor and not agree to do every favor people needed. Last year, my job turned into a nightmare with all that I had committed to that my regular job description did not entail. A lot of it I brought on myself because I wanted to give my students every opportunity before they graduated. This year was going to be different. I stood firm until October. My husband will tell you that my “year of No” turned into my “year of No…unless you ask me twice.”
First semester went really well. My level of stress was low, I was feeling really good about my physical life, my emotional life, and my spiritual life. Things got a little hectic when Ellie started community theater on top of my school theater, but nothing unbearable.
I started my New Year’s resolutions early. The day after Thanksgiving, I started a lifestyle change that worked swimmingly for me the year before last. Within three months, I had lost 25 lbs on this plan. I ate great through Christmas and through the New Year holiday. I hadn’t weighed the entire 2 months since I started, but when I weighed mid January at the doctor’s office, I had gained twelve pounds. Thanks to the My Fitness Pal app, I was able to track everything I had eaten since Thanksgiving, so she could see that this number was insane. She had me reweigh the next morning. I lost 10 pounds in one day. Sure, it could have been the time of day, what I was wearing, lots of different factors. She had me come back and weigh the following Monday. I continued to keep track of what I ate. This time, three days later, I had gained 13 pounds. My body somehow gained 13 pounds in 3 days. I was devastated. I felt like I had wasted 2 months for nothing. I was incredibly disappointed. We ran tests for every reason my doctor could think of for why I had gained so much weight. None of the results came back abnormal enough to be factors. But it was fine.
February brought many more disappointments in mood, event cancellations, loss of loved ones and health. Again, nothing extreme, but just enough to be a let down. For example, I worked months on a grant I didn’t even receive a dollar for. The kids got the flu-not at the same time-but a week apart from one another. I had to take off with them because the timing could not have been worse for anyone. All of our resources were exhausted with other events and situations. The day after Peyton got over it, I got diagnosed with it. The day after I got diagnosed, Ben did too. We are a family that never gets sick, and in 3 weeks we had 4 cases of flu, strep, UTI, pink eye, ear infection and the croup. We missed out on so many planned events and vacations. It was like one disappoint after the next. But it was fine.
Here we are in March. I was devastated when I couldn’t go to All State last weekend, but I knew Spring break was coming, and my choir had my favorite tour to Walt Disney World coming up. Even better, Ben was going to go with me. You know where this is going unless you’ve been living under a rock this week. People have described the COVID-19 pandemic as “something I’ve never seen before” or “There’s no way anyone could have predicted this.” Pardon me for being negative Nancy, but yeah, I could have predicted that the Disney tour would get cancelled. And all the shows my students have worked hard to perform would be cancelled as well. This “year of no” has turned into the ultimate “year of disappointment.” And it’s mid March!! But it’s fine.
My husband tells me to quit saying, “It’s fine,” if it’s not. I don’t need to convince myself to feel a certain way if I don’t. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands this year between sitting at home with flu patients and the coronavirus chaos. I gave into all of Satan’s lies that he would whisper in my ear. I felt sorry for myself. I asked the age old question, “Why would God allow this crap to happen to me?”
I wasted a lot of precious time noticing all the dark mud I was walking in that I didn’t take the time to notice the gold that sparkled all around it. Even though I had the flu, I felt great. I just had a fever for one day. My kids and husband were able to overcome the flu symptoms fairly quickly as well. Ben was able to prep for his job promotion interview because I was at home with sick kids and was able to help him. Our house has not only stayed clean, but it’s also stayed sanitized. One of the best gold chunks in the mud was that because God allowed us to stay home and prep extra for Ben’s interview, he was able to secure his dream job. The board voted him in on Tuesday.
This year, I have found myself sitting (which is not something I like to do) in the same position that I’m sure Job sat in. I stared straight forward thinking about why God has me right here, right now, at this moment. Now, yes, Job had it worse than I do. He lost his family, his job, and his lifestyle. I’ve merely only lost plans. But I can’t help but wonder why.
I’ve been writing a book called “Tuesday Nights at Amber’s” based on devotionals my girls and I used to do in high school.
Writing that grant last semester pushed me past my deadline. I really wanted to have it done by Christmas and published by summer. But, as of February, I still had five chapters to go. When Ellie got the flu, I was able to knock out another chapter. When Peyt got the flu, I knocked out another chapter. By the time I got the flu, I was able to knock out the final three chapters. This week, I met with a publisher and everything is set to have books ready to sell by summer! I have always had a passion for girls ministries, but with my career of choice, I’m not able to do typical evangelism to anyone other than my personal children and my students at school. This book opens up so many more outlets for ministry. There’s no way I could have fit each puzzle piece of my life to create a perfect picture of a scenario like God can. He knew all along that Job would be blessed with double during his year of disappointment, and He knew that all of my extra time would be created for His purpose in order for His will to be done.
I know this COVID-19 is an inconvenience to so many. I know it’s a scary health factor for so many. But, I also know that this game plan that has been laid out has been set up this way for a purpose. Do you know what you’re going to do with your spare time quarantined in the next few days? Does it bring glory and honor to your Heavenly Father? The term “problem” is a fancy way of saying “opportunity to grow.” The “year of disappointment” is actually the “year of growing opportunities.” I feel the growing pains, but I’m grateful when the new heights are revealed to me.
Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
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