I’ve been concentrating over the last two months on my outer image. Every piece of food that goes into my mouth, I think about. I’m able to wear some clothes I haven’t worn in years. I watch YouTube tutorials for hair styles to go with whatever outfit I’m wearing. I feel good about where I am on the outside.
Last night, I had a breakdown. I hit a level on my inner image that just completely broke me. It was so sudden. I was told growing up that the best way to kill a frog is to put it in water and slowly turn up the heat until it hits boiling. The frog never even suspects it.
Satan is a creep! He slowly “prowls like a lion, seeking who he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He takes his time, and then attacks. One can easily find themselves living in that sin for so long before actually realizing it. Or admitting it. We call this the “blindness of self righteousness”. Friends, I have hit the bottom and am looking straight up at my waterfall of sinful self righteousness.
I feel so disappointed and embarrassed for being a part of such a thing, but I wanted to share with you my thoughts in case you or someone you know may be a part of this “blind” phenomenon.
My kids are in a stage where every time they see a toy on tv, they say, “I want that for Christmas” or “My Birthday is in a few days, I want that!” I remember being there. My dad would try to race me in saying, “I want that toy,” before I could-just to see what I’d say. As a kid, the World surrounds you. Ben and I try hard to show the kids the beauty of other people and other people’s feelings. I know they don’t fully understand, yet, but those principals are so vital. They keep you from the bottom.
I’ve done theater since I was in the 8th grade. One reason I chose to become a director was because of the damage performing caused to myself and my ego.
In high school, we were doing a performance that had two lead roles: one for me and one for my best friend. When the director assigned roles, he was assigned to take the final bow and I got the second to last bow. I was enraged. I argued back and forth with the director about the “correct set up”, but she just didn’t see it my way. So, the diva in me stormed off the stage, and I locked myself in the scene shop office. I was mad, embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, etc. So many feelings that Spun off of a sin that I had been experiencing for weeks, but had no idea that I was feeling it.
The signs were there, just like they are there now. Ask yourself, be honest with yourself, are these signs present in your life?
1. Rubbing your righteous actions in someone’s face. Do you hear the stories coming out of your mouth? How many times do you say “I” or “me” in a sentence?
2. You are not compassionate to others. Okay, this one requires deep digging. I’m not talking about randomly helping someone out. I’m talking about you diving into a conversation, or thoughts, about someone else’s sins, but you can barely see where the conversation is going and you don’t know why. Here’s why: there’s a giant 2×4 in your cornea!
3. You hate and condemn sinners. Often times if we put on the “holier than thou” helmet instead of the “helmet of salvation” (Isaiah 59:17), we tend to hate the person rather than just hating the sin. Your vision of people, God’s people, is what self righteousness is all about.
4. You love the approval and praise of men. Who doesn’t? But if you are blasting all over social media the video of you walking an elderly woman across the street, why are you truly posting it? Self righteous people want to be held at a high regard. They wait for others to ask them how they are doing before they speak. They anticipate praise from men, and if they don’t get it in immediate conversation, they hint at it. They have a hard time praising other people, truly, from the heart. They have frequent nose bleeds from their noses being shoved so high up in the sky. Unfortunately, I have been selfishly stuck in this category.
5. You reject correction. The crappy thing about self righteous is that in order for you to recognize it, it takes other people and the Word of God to point it out. I’ve had some self righteous students in the past that I’ve had to pull into my office to talk about their actions, around the log in my eye, of course, and I remember giving them advice and watching their facial expressions. Their eyes were on me speaking, but they were inhaling nothing. They didn’t think they needed it. Or, another personal favorite, they get upset that you’d say such a thing about them. Christians are open minded, especially to rebuke that will better the Kingdom.
6. You think of yourself as important. A lot of times this happens when you do something good for the church. You constantly talk about all the work you’ve done for a class, how many people you brought with you to church, who all you visited, how many cards you made for shut ins. Don’t make your good works about “you”. And don’t read this blog and think of other people it could apply to. That, you can apply to you. I encourage it.
7. You wallow in self pity. Ellie is at a horrible age where when she pouts, she has this dramatic display of dance moves. I have to say, as a musical theater director, I’m almost impressed. She wants everyone to know she’s upset. When we mess up, and parade around our struggles, we make it about us again. When we overcome trials, that’s a way to bring us back to God. That’s an us and God re-evaluation. Getting other people involved does nothing for God’s Kingdom.
The cure for self righteousness is humility. I’m taking the maximum dosage trying to reroute my soul from the damage that’s been done to it. The righteousness we have comes from God. Without God, we are nothing. I need to rebuild the righteousness of God rather than my own righteousness.
I hear the cutest song at VBS this year. It’s called “I Don’t Wanna Be A Sheep”. One of the verses goes like this:
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
‘Cause they’re not fair, you see
Don’t wanna be a Pharisee
I just wanna be a sheep (Baa)
I just wanna be a sheep (Baa)
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
I just wanna be a sheep (Baa)
The Pharisees did all of their works out in the open so that everyone could see their good deeds. They were in the same pit I fell into, but I feel like they don’t know they’re down here. Honestly, it’s easier not to know you’re here. Nothing changes that way. And change is hard! Because you first have to admit that you’re here.
BUT, to admit you’re here, is life changing. You pass off your self righteousness for humility and are back in the mission field to do God’s will. Just like Peter did.
“When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord, I am a sinful man.”
The adulterous woman, the tax collector, the poor, the children…these are not folks lifted on a pedestal. Ever. But these are the humble folks who laid their self righteousness at Jesus’ feet.
I pray for your forgiveness and covet your prayers as I slowly climb out of the pit. I also will be in prayer for those climbing out with me. It’s an embarrassing pit to pull out from.
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