Over the pandemic, I got into the Right Now Media channel/app. If you haven’t heard of this, it’s a fantastic option apart from Netflix and Disney+ that is stocked full of great biblical studies and programs for all age groups. This week, I binge watched the study by Sharon Hodde Miller on The Cost of Control. I’ve always struggled with desiring to be in control. What I didn’t know was how tightly linked my control issues related to anxiety spells. Below are some of the take-aways I took from this study.
If you’ve ever heard of the “Faustian Bargain,” you know that it is the understanding that when you make a deal with the devil, you always lose more than you gain. Whenever we reach for control that God has not given us, it’s a deal with the devil. And it will cost us. We have this idea that our will is better than God’s. When we act on that theory, we develop anxiety, and do you know how we treat the anxiety? With more control. It’s a sick, Satan infested cycle. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden. Everything was perfect. They had no fears, no anxieties, and no control. The second God announces his boundary (Genesis 2:16), Satan attacked, forcing a wedge of sun between man and God (Genesis 3:4-5; 7-10). After Adam and Eve sinned, they tried to fix it with their own control. We inherited this unfortunate quality. Your way will never be better than God’s. You don’t have to live in constant control of perfection. Romans 6:7-11 tells us that Jesus came to free us from all the costs of control.
WHY IS CONTROL SO ENTICING?
We believe that we have more control over situations than we actually have. This is called the “illusion of control.” Our perception of control has positive emotional benefits. Research shows that cancer patients who believe they are going to be able to fight the disease have less anxiety than those who are neutral with the reality. This keeps up until the illusion is shattered and the true source of the confidence is revealed: control. Insert anxiety. Look at all the different levels of illusions during the pandemic! This illusion of control gives you confidence in the world. The main reason we crave this control is because our world is not what it should be, and we know that. John 8:31-32 reminds us that we are disciples of Christ-not disciples of illusion. Our world craves control because of its fears, but we know that we don’t have to be afraid (Deuteronomy 31:6)i
CONTROLLING YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES
As moms, we feel like we have to do a lot of the “family stuff” on our own, as if it’s our responsibility. On a side note, can we stop making going to see a counselor taboo? They can help us verbalize our emotions externally rather than keeping our fears inside trying to deal with them solo. It often works out that the more important the circumstance is to us, the more control we try to initiate resulting in a bigger cost or consequence. Have you noticed how much you use research and knowledge as a sense of control? It’s an illusion that confuses influence with understanding. My ENT makes fun of me asking if I got another degree in “Web MD” when I go into her office letting her know everything I’ve researched trying to cope with certain symptoms. Genesis 2:17 lets us know that the “knowledge” was too much for Adam and Eve. Genesis 3:7 tells us that once they tried to control that knowledge anyway, their eyes were opened and the cost of shame took effect. It’s not ironic at all that the Apple logo is a bitten apple, right? That knowledge is control. Did you know the number one symptom of anxiety is exhaustion? If you’re tired, maybe you’re anxious. Only God the Father can handle the infinite circumstances of the world without becoming even the slightest bit exhausted. That’s faith. If faith is believing in something we cannot see, then control is the opposite. Control will ultimately destroy your faith. Use that spiritual muscle to trust God. There, you will find rest from the exhaustion.
CONTROLLING PEOPLE
The number one piece of advice I give girls in my teen ministry is, “You can’t change him. So throw that idea out now.” That’s a life lesson: you can’t control people. That’s an illusion. It doesn’t matter what people think of you. It only matters what God thinks of you. Anytime that you try to control someone, you are preparing to break that relationship. That’s the cost of controlling the relationship. Go back to the garden. When Eve tried to control Adam, he started playing the blame game causing major strain to their relationship. Adam and Eve weren’t the only folks that had control issues. Sarah tried to control Abraham when they tried to take fertility issues into their own hands. Rebecca tried to control Jacob and Esau to allow Jacob to come out on top. Laban tried to control Jacob by making him work to earn his daughters. So many people manipulate others to engineer their own preferred outcomes, but these situations will inhabit horrible consequences to the relationship. You should know that controlling your husband will deplete the honesty and intimacy in the marriage. Controlling people also hurts innocent people. They are in a relationship with you because they love you. When you manipulate them, they have not done anything wrong. You are making the relationship sour because of your own selfishness. I know what you’re thinking, because I thought it too. “I try to control them because I just want what’s best for them.” God instilled us with that compassion. That’s not a bad quality. At the same time, we must understand and admit to ourselves that our control doesn’t heal people; God does (John 3:16). Will you try to control this person? Or will you accept that you can’t and entrust them to God?
CONTROLLING OUR IMAGE
This was the hardest subtopic for me because I struggle with this one the most as an enneagram. Our desire for a good image doesn’t die when we receive our high school diploma. It just transitions into different forms. The number one outlet for this with image control issues is social media. Think about it. You can appear however you want to appear on social media and no one has to know the truth. God doesn’t want us to act like we have it all together when we don’t. There is beauty in confession and failure. The restoration takes place when you identify the root of the image control. People fear a poor reputation, so they submerge their true character. And that’s so painful. “What will people think?” When this thought crosses your mind, your anxiety about the situation immediately desires control to fix it. This is called image management. It’s controlling how people see us. Some people tap into image management by using social media, fixing themselves physically, appearing overly religious so no one knows what’s actually going on, etc. Image control only costs us more anxiety. Ultimately, you’re still trying to control people because you’re trying to control their thoughts. This costs you your integrity. You start making choices based on what people expect of you. This leads to disengaging you spiritually because you’ve given up the moral compass of your integrity. Controlling image is hiding sin. God wants us to come as we are (1 Samuel 16:7). Jesus doesn’t need our reputations to be perfect for His gospel to still save. We need to be using our image to point to the One who can save them and admit out loud that we can’t.
THE POWER GOD PROMISES
So what? Is God just asking us to throw up our hands and trust Him with it all? Yes, and no. God wants us to lay all of our burdens at His feet. God also gives us examples for ways we can be proactive but still give Him control. And I bet you guessed where He gives us these tools for our toolbox: the Garden of Eden. The first tool is known as “Name and Order.” Just as God gave Adam the task of naming all the chaos that was the animals, we have an opportunity to create an organizational system in our chaotic home. Have a weekly dinner menu. Display a calendar of events for the month. Create a chore chart. In a world of overwhelming choice, imitate the Creator and create order in the chaos with structure. Genesis 1:1; 2:21-23 we see that God sees value in creativity. One of the best reliefs for anxiety is to create. We can create and change the world we live in for the better. Create a project, a painting, a program, a canvas, whatever. There is healing in creating, unleashing the imagination, and possibility. Set limits. God taught us how to set limits with his example of boundaries (Genesis 2:19-20). Limit your schedule, limit your time, and limit your number of “yes’s.” Take care of the world that God gave us, including your body (Genesis 2:15). Pray! I know that’s a “duh”, but this tool was available for Adam and Eve but they chose not to do it. When they had Satan’s questions enter their minds, they didn’t bring it to God. When they sinned, they didn’t pray. They tried to control it themselves. That choice only left them naked and with shame. How many of our anxieties could have been avoided if we just took them to God in the first place? Finally, take time to examine self (Genesis 3). When God asked Adam and Eve, “Where are you?” He wasn’t asking for His benefit. God wants to repair all that is broken inside of us. His Spirit lives in us. We don’t have to settle for Satan’s offers in security, success, and power of control. We can have the real thing in Jesus!
Comentarios