My New Year’s resolution for the 2021 year was simple: I wanted to experience true humility. I have always lived a very blessed life, making it easy for Satan to push humility far from my mind. You’ve always heard people say, “Don’t pray for patience.” Know what’s worse? Praying for humiltiy.
My friends and I grew up in the church. We never missed worship service, youth activities, family devotionals, car rides singing church songs, praying at meals, etc. It was easy for us to all relate to one another because we all believed the same things: just like our parents and their parents before them. When we went to college, we were apart from each other and were influenced by friends who did not grow up exactly the same way that we did. This wasn’t a bad thing. It allowed us to branch out and think for ourselves instead of voting for a dude because his last name is on the bumper sticker of your mom’s van. However, before you “leave and cleave,” it’s important that you have an established foundation-whatever that may be. For my friends, we spent 18 years being taught, altogether, about the foundation spiritual principles that should define our choices if we wanted to have a successful life.
In March of 2021 (my year of humility), my best friend abandoned his faith. Religion became optional and really hard to make any sense of. It was easier to see the things that were tangible than the things that were not. He was, and still is, one of my biggest influences. I think back to some of the bands and television shows I watched growing up, and I’m not even sure I liked those shows. I liked them because he liked them. And he was cool, so the shows had to be cool. So if I watched them….you get the idea. He could make anything seem perfect and influential. So, when he abandoned his faith, I got scared. I was scared that he was right.
My friends and I are in the millennial generation, or Generation Y. I believe it’s because we are the generation who constantly asks, “Why?” So, more like Generation Why. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Beyonce revolutionized female R&B music, Anne Hathaway proved that Broadway stars could power the big screen too, and Mark Zuckerberg challenged networking through technology. Often, when we ask, “Why?” we abandon one way of doing things for a better one. My friend asked, “Why?” to some of the same questions I’ve always wondered myself. And, truthfully, everyone will go through a period of questions regarding faith. And you can’t ride your mamma’s answer to Heaven. 1 Peter 3:15 says, “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” This indicates that a time will come when someone will ask us why we believe what we believe…and we have to answer.
Sometimes, I think being brought up in the church leaves us at a disadvantage. Think about someone that you know that discovered Jesus later in life. They have this great testimony about how they were able to look at their life from a godly perspective and see where Satan had chained them to worldly lusts and held them captive with no hope…until….someone introduced them to Jesus and they were set free. And now they have this ministry, and carry out this mission, and blah blah blah. You know there’s someone you’re thinking of right now. But for many of us who have been in church all of our life, we have our stories of learning about The Great Shepherd by gluing cotton balls on the sheep after patting the Bible in the cradle room bible class. And, then, in second grade, we saw the flip chart on Noah’s ark. In 6th grade, we learned about baptism, its necessity, and how you’d go to hell if you didn’t get in the water immediately. In high school, you knew to avoid the temptations because sex led to babies and alcohol led to liver cancer. You participate in daily bible studies to “check it” off the to do list. As an adult, you raise your children by the Bible’s standards because you didn’t want them to turn out like the “other kids.” As a grandparent, you did the same for your grand-kids. You stay active in the church because it’s all you know, and you know you’ll die soon and need that heavenly insurance. (I’m exaggerating, slightly, but I want you to get this point.) There is a place for flip charts, salvation, and raising children on biblical standards. But, the life described above is not a Christian life. It’s a business based on fear.
I was well on my way to continuing on the lifestyle described above. Until my friend abandoned his faith. I wondered how he came to this conclusion. Like, he had to undo years of knowledge, decisions, bible classes, and devotionals to believe that this answer to his “Why” would lead to a better way of life. I acted out of fear, and I didn’t open my Bible for a while. The “why” would pop up in my head of, “What if he’s right?”. Thoughts flooded my brain ranging from, “I can physically hold these fossils in my hand,” to “I wonder how much money I could save on contribution each week.” I would immediately shake them out for the same reason I wouldn’t open my bible. I didn’t want to pick a side. I didn’t want to have to decide. I wanted the comfort of having what I’ve always had, and knowing what I’ve always known.
I became very anxious. My anxiety led to depression. Depression led to health challenges. And when you are physically and mentally deep in a hole, your choices are as follows: start climbing or die. I love Tony Robbins’s quote, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” I got a fantastic counselor (also-can we stop making counseling taboo?) who gave me some tools in my toolbox to aid in anxiety. One of the tools she gave me was on the practice of meditation. Meditation comes in many different forms from lying down in silence, deep breathing, yoga, going for a walk, hiking, sitting in nature, etc. The key is for you to be present in the quiet. I spent a lot of time in meditation; in the quiet. It’s amazing what you can hear in the quiet.
One day, I was meditating in prayer laying on the floor in my pitch, black closet. I felt a calm peace-that passes ALL understanding-and I opened my eyes, grabbed my Bible, and started reading passages that I’ve read my whole life, almost as if for the first time. I noticed Jesus’s feelings throughout His earthly journey, I noticed how many times He meditated, and I noticed that never once asked, “Why.” He didn’t have to. His faith was so strong because the foundation was so solid.
Psalm 143:5 “I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.” During my meditations, I started thinking about Heaven and what it would be like. I thought about grace and meditated on how unworthy I was, but how worthy I am to Him. I identified the lies Satan had convinced me to believe that encouraged me to believe in God but not necessarily believe God. I felt joy. It wasn’t a feeling of completion, but it was a feeling of healing. I knew God was working through me. I felt joy.
When I went to my counselor that week, she asked me how things had been going. I told her about my week’s meditations and how for the first time in my life, I was able to experience the Holy Spirit and the presence of God. I knew it was Him because the Bible told me so. (Psalm 46:10) And I believed the Bible is Truth! It proves over and over and over. She asked, “If you could describe that feeling in one word, how would you describe it?” I answered, “Joy.” She said, “Do you know the difference between happiness and joy?” I thought a second and came to this conclusion, “Happy is temporary. Joy is eternal. I am happy I have a new cell phone. I am overwhelmed with joy watching my daughter put on Christ.” She asked if I knew why. I didn’t. She said, “Joy is a fruit. It’s a fruit of the Spirit. It’s a spiritual blessing. And those last forever.”
I am reading the same scriptures that I’ve read my whole life and seeing them in a completely different perspective. I am fascinated with the letter Paul wrote to the church in Philippi. God chose to use a broken prisoner who, post persecution, chose to explain what joy is and how to obtain it. Why? Because Paul had plenty of time to be in the quiet. And in the quiet, the Spirit speaks. (By the way, joy is found in suffering+service). That’s Truth. Straight from Philippians. And peace is found in authority (Philippians 4:6-7). Do His will; reap the peace. Period. It’s been there in black and white for me all along. I think I spent so long trying to humanize God and trying to make sense of His ways and how it worked into my life. But, God is not human. He’s God. He doesn’t do things the way humans would choose to do things. We, as humans, would never have guessed that suffering is a main ingredient to discovering joy, but that’s the way God does things because He has a plan for you to experience everlasting gifts…not just the kind the world gives. I mean, have you ever heard of a testimony that didn’t require a test?
I have learned a lot on this journey of abandoning and reestablishing my faith. The biggest thing was learning God’s purpose for me. My whole life, and I think my friends would agree (even the one who denies Christ’s existence), we were taught how to walk the straight and narrow path by looking at our feet to avoid temptation. Many of us were scared into the water of baptism. We were taught reverence above all else, and grace was almost a figment of imagination, because if you focused too much on grace, it’d be easy to fall into temptation. But, when you walk looking at your feet, you miss the beautiful scenery. The Bible is not a book of rules. It’s a love story. Yes–He has ways we should live by. These ways give us a beautiful life and all the spiritual fruits we crave. Most of the time, we’re just too busy to sit still and discover. Speaking of discovery, I wanted to discover a relationship with God. I read over and over that He wants a relationship with me. My closest relationships are with people I talk to on a daily basis. And I talk to them with language they can understand and that I can understand because I speak with emotion. I’ve started talking to God in the same way. I don’t use big, eloquent words, I laugh with Him in some of the things I tell Him, and I have a newfound understanding of gratitude. I’ll never forget my first prayer to Him where I was intentional about what I was saying. It lasted 45 minutes. There were tears and laughs. And it was so awkward at first that it took 15 minutes for me to even say the first word out loud because I felt so silly.
I received humility. It was accompanied by a testimony, a new relationship with my Creator, and love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. God wants us to choose Him, not because He needs us to. Remember, we can’t humanize God. He wants us to follow His rules, not because He feels powerful keeping us in a bubble. God wants us to choose Him and His lifestyle because He knows the supernatural blessings that will come to us if we do. If you were to ask me a year and a half ago, “When did you first know Jesus?” I wouldn’t know what to tell you. But, I’ve experienced Him in a way that I constantly pray my friend will come to discover. It’s hard to pray for something like that because you know in order to have your heart softened, there’s going to be some pain, change, and trials that must occur. And no one signs up for that! But, if you’ve ever stopped yourself from asking yourself the hard questions about, the “what if’s,”…don’t. It’s all right there in the scriptures. Even the most die hard atheist will admit to the Bible being a collection of historical facts. But discover how true the Truth is. Pray for things like, “Please reveal yourself to me, God, because it’s hard serving an imaginary God in a visual world,” and “Help me see things through your perspective.” He will deliver. You can hear Satan whisper things real loud because the things he says goes along with the world you’re living in–it’s easily justifiable. But, to hear the Spirit, you have to “be still.” Be intentional this week about being still. Don’t be afraid to abandon some of the traditions you grew up with. A lot of times, what is revealed to us as “scriptural” is actually “traditional.” Pray in modern terminology. Do you use the word “hallowed” in a sentence to your friends? Speak from the heart with words from your emotions. Answer the question honestly: Do you believe in God? Answer this question honestly: Do you believe God? The choice is yours. Your mom can’t choose for you. Up to this point, has she decided your college, your job, your spouse, your hobbies, your friends? Why is this any different?
“Choose this day whom you will serve….but as for me, I will serve the LORD!” -Joshua 24:15
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