I completed my National Boards for Certified Teachers in April of this year. There are four components that contain work harder than any of my other degrees have ever been packed inside each component. Teachers have up to three years to complete all four components and submit them, but if you know me, you know that I choose to paint with primer+color+finish in one coat just so I can finish that project in a day. So, yes, I submitted my four components in one year. It consumed all of my time. I sacrificed so much. The hardest part was waiting 8 long months to receive my scores. Saturday was the day. I stayed up until midnight Friday night just to get the notification as soon as they posted. And there it was: the 5 words that determined my mood for the rest of the year: “We regret to inform you…” I failed.
I broke. Everything I had been holding in came out of my mouth and through my emotions at midnight. (And nothing good ever happens after midnight.) I told Ben that if I could describe my year in one word it would be “loss.” This year, I had lost my grandmother, event participation, health, friendships, status, respect, motivation, comfort, and peace. I knew there were flowers throughout the year, but the weeds were so massive that I could no longer see them. I chose at that moment to just sit in the weeds.
When my Grandma passed at the beginning of this year, I went into a mourning process. I studied Job and was fascinated at what God supplied Job with after his season of mourning. He not only replenished his life with double what he had, God also supplied Him with the wisdom of seeing the “big picture.”
I never realized you could mourn the loss of things or events. I thought mourning the loss was only applied to someone. The process is always the same, but just like Job, we use these seasons of weakness to bring us back to the “big picture.” I tell my girls’ Bible study groups that when you experience a break up, you need to take 3 days to mourn the loss of that relationship. After three days of feeling sorry for yourself, reminiscing on the good times you could no longer see when you were in the relationship, and eating through four tubs of Rocky Road ice cream, you get up and serve someone. Go cook with your grandmother, go babysit so your folks can take a night out, go rake leaves for a widow, etc. It’s impossible to be sad when you’re serving someone.
In all my moments of loss this year, I tried to throw myself into a service project of some sort, but it seemed as though every project I tried to tackle, something came up, and it was taken from me. It caused resentment and bitterness and additional loss of respect for people I looked up to in the past all because of their selfishness.
I prayed that, like Job, God would give me wisdom for what was going on this year. Why was I unable to go forth with service to Him? What did He want me to see. God humbled me through a great friend that told me a story through two very important Bible verses I’d heard all my life:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
This word “guard” is translated from the word “Phroureo” which sounds a lot like “referee.” Have you ever had a moment this year where you just don’t have a peace about something? You feel like you did the right thing, and everyone seems to be happy, but you don’t have peace about it? A referee’s job is to know the rule book better than the coaches or the players. It’s even more exact when the referee is the creator of the sport. The players have the rule book, but there are still times they accidentally step out of bounds. When they do, consequences cause the player to have a lack of peace about the play. According to this verse, God is our referee. In moments of peace, think about the Holy Spirit blowing the whistle and saying, “Hey, you’re out of bonds. Get back to the rules.” It’s easier to get to the end zone if you step out of bounds, but you can never have the unexplainable peace from God unless you follow the rules. The rules give you that peace by strengthening you through the process; sometimes even the mourning process. Notice, he also says He will give you peace not only for the way you feel but the way you think.
I certainly wasn’t feeling peace after everything I lost this year, not to mention the fact that I tried so hard to take control to get back what I had lost. And there, like a ton of bricks, that peace that passed all understanding, covered me.
When someone has an alcohol addiction, it’s all they think about. Their desire to control the addiction is strong. Nothing can satisfy them until they obtain a drink of some sort, just to later find that the drink is contributing to the addiction. The thing about addictions is that you cannot control the disease on your own. You must have help from the Father. The road to losing that addiction is hard, painful, and emotional, but the results of breaking the addiction is well worth the loss.
I am addicted to approval. In every performance, project, relationship, activity, grade, and commitment I’ve made has been decided upon based on how it would be received by people. Given the choice of making 100 people happy versus making God happy, more times than not, I’d choose people, or I’d find a way to manipulate it where I could somehow justify my decision to please both.
1 Peter 1:25 says, “‘But the word of the Lord stands forever.’ And this is the word that was proclaimed to you.” People have disappointed me this year. I’ve lost so much respect for so many. I didn’t see how in the world that I broke the rules when other people hurt me. But that’s just it: people are an idol to me. My relationships with them are an idol. My reputation in their minds is an idol. And all of those idol desires are taking precedent over my desire for the Lord and His Word. When my foundation is in the unchanging and perfect Word of God, I am never disappointed or without peace.
Not all loss is considered bad loss, in our culture. Weight loss is heavily praised. Statistics show that out of 100 people signing up for a weight loss program, 20 will be successful. And out of that 20, 3 will continue to keep it off after 2 years. Why? Loss is hard. I’ve done every weight loss trick known to man, and I’m not obese! I just wanted people to say I looked good. I desired their approval of what I should be. And I could easily say, “I’m wanting to get healthy,” but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be bummed if people didn’t comment on my weight loss.
I’m reading an awesome book titled, “Idol Lies,” and it compares your idol to malignant tumors. When you hear, “You have cancer,” you have a choice to let it consume you or to begin treatment. Treatments are hard, but the result is worth it. The idol that is keeping us from peace is only treatments away. When God blows the ref whistle, we know we’re out of bounds, but are we going to choose to go through the process without shortcuts? “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36) And when the Son frees you, that is a MAJOR weight loss when you are getting rid of weighted idols.
I thank God I failed. If I had passed my National Boards this weekend, I would have plastered it all over social media, checked for comments every hour, and started making “help sheets” for people pursuing their certification. The reason that whistle got blown is because of my intent. I wanted bragging rights, the accolades, the status, the money. None of that would bring God glory or me peace. Please join me in prayer during this transformation. God has put so many wonderfully, difficult opportunities in my way to choose Him over people, but because of the size of this malignant addiction, it’s going to be a tough battle. But I’ll ring that bell! My strength doesn’t come from me, but from one much stronger than me. (Psalm 121:1) I choose to stand, alone, on the Word of God, and I know that there I will be set free.
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