It’s been told to me so many times that forgiveness isn’t for the other person as much as it is for you. I’ve never had a whole lot of issues forgiving someone who asked for forgiveness. I know the grace that God has shown me when I enter His throne and throw my sorry self before Him, and I am anxious to forgive those who are working their way through their consequences to get back on their way.
But what about the people who are spiritually blind? You know, the people whose pride has exceeded their respect for the Lord. Their actions come to mind when you read Proverbs 8:13, “To have respect for the Lord is to hate evil, hate pride and bragging, and hate evil ways and twisted words.” It’s so hard to forgive those whose selfish decisions have brought so much heartache on your life and your family.
We live amidst so many “Pharisees.” Jesus quoted Isaiah to explain these types of difficult people in Matthew 15:8 when He said, “‘These people honor Me by what they say, but their hearts are far away from me. Their worship doesn’t mean anything to me.’” Jesus goes on to explain to the gathered multitude in verse 10 and beyond, ‘“What goes into someone’s mouth does not make them ‘unclean.’ It’s what comes out of their mouth that makes them ‘unclean’…they are blind guides. If one blind person leads another blind person, both of them will fall into a pit…Evil thoughts come out of a person’s heart. So do murder, adultery, and other sexual sins. And so do stealing, false witness, and telling lies about others. Those are the things that make you unclean.’”
When a glass is tipped over, the only thing that comes out of it is what was in it. But if I’m not careful, my lack of true forgiveness can cause me to become spiritually blind, filling all of my energy with pride and revenge. God has told us in Proverbs 16:5 that, “Everyone who is proud in heart is detestable to the Lord. Be assured that he will not go unpunished.” He also tells us in Matthew 18:22 to forgive unconditionally 70x7 (and for you math wizzes, he doesn’t mean 490 times).
Forgiving others, whether they want it or not, is forgiving with both your mouth, head, and your heart. Only there can you find true peace with that person and continue loving them unconditionally as you are commanded to. I noticed this is a struggle for me because as days go by and I still have to live in the world with these people, the shots continue to be fired. I know that I haven’t truly forgiven them because their shots become conditions for me. It tempts me to take control away from God who clearly says, “I got this. Count it as joy and move on.” (James 1:2)
I try to remind myself that I’m guilty too. Humility is such a wonderful coat to put on in acts of service and unconditional love toward our brothers and sisters. So much grace has been given to me by God. That doesn’t give me the right to see that I’ve been forgiven; therefore, I’m any higher than those who are still struggling. Romans 12:3 says, “God’s grace has been given to me. So here is what I say to every one of you. Don’t think of yourself as more highly than you should. Be reasonable when you think about yourself.” The inability to forgive is nothing more than the feeling that I am somehow better than someone else.
Another thing I’ve learned is that holding grudges is not okay. It gets me stuck in this bitterness of sinking sand. I find myself using their actions as excuses. Instead of dealing with what happened (i.e. forgiving them), I sweep it under the rug until I’m ready to use those actions as excuses for justification. It never has lasting effects.
You can’t fake true love. When you haven’t truly forgiven someone, especially those who don’t feel they need forgiveness, it can be difficult to hold a conversation with them, but it shouldn’t be. You love them regardless of their feelings or actions. Romans 12:9-10 put this perfectly, “Love must be honest and true. Hate what is evil. Hold on to what is good. Love one another deeply. Honor others more than yourselves.” Those 18 inches from your head to your heart can seem so incredibly lengthy sometimes.
Finally, admitting you cannot shake this on your own. This is a big fight, so rally up your army. But, remember this isn’t a fight between you and them. This is a fight between you and your self control. Rally a group of people to pray for you. Remember, this is on you-not them. They don’t need to know every detail about what’s going on and who it’s going on with. That doesn’t “honor others more than yourselves.” These prayers are on your behalf. Talk to God daily, if not more, asking for His strength and wisdom.
There are some situations where you can forgive people and then step away from them, not allowing them to be a part of your life anymore. Boundaries are biblical and scriptural. You know that true forgiveness has occurred when you can think about that person and not immediately have feelings of rage, vengeance, and anger. These people are God’s creation, too. It should be easy to love God’s people the way God loves His people when you’re looking at them through His eyes.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
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