I’m heavily involved with ministry specifically to teenage girls, so it should be no surprise that the main topic of conversation that they want to discuss is crushes, break ups, and relationships. I remember the middle school spend the night parties my girls and I would have growing up. We would bust out the yearbook from the year before just to go through each boy in my grade to admit who was cute and who wasn’t. It was such a thrill finding out who each other thought was cute, especially when it was a guy no one expected. Regardless of if I wanted a boyfriend at that time, I felt like I had to have someone to talk about with the girls; almost like a goal. The funny thing was, I knew nothing about these boys other than God gave them some attractive jawlines and good hair. My freshman year of high school, I had a boyfriend that was a Tennessee fan (out of all the guys to bring home to meet my dad.) Not only did I agree to date him, I bought Vols merchandise just to show him we shared interests. I completely changed who I was for a boy I didn’t know existed until 6 months prior.
One of my mentors always taught me to “date who you marry.” There was no point in dating someone unless you were willing to take the risk of knowing that you would one day break up or get married. Those were the options. Thinking about dating in this mature way, you put much more of an emphasis on getting to know who the person is rather than how much hair they have. (Obviously, in my situation.) When I met Ben Bradford, he was worth the risk.
We spent months really getting to know everything about each other before we committed to becoming an exclusive couple. Our parents had raised us similarly in knowing how a Christian couple should treat one another while dating and when married. We understood that a relationship requires sacrifice and selflessness. We agreed that those things were worth it to feed our craving for constant time spent with each other. So we got married. Many times our selfishness causes problems. Many times sacrifices are hard. Many times I don’t want the advice he’s offering, even though I need it.
God loves love. He compares our relationship with Him to a marriage. On the day Ben and I got married, people would joke with us saying this was “my day,” and even though that isn’t entirely true, wedding guests are usually much more excited to see the bride walk in compared to the groom’s entrance. She’s “adorned for her husband” (Revelation 21:2) and we love seeing his response too. Bonus points if he cries, am I right? I’ve never been in the guy’s position, but from a girl’s perspective, there’s no better feeling in the world than seeing the pleased face of the man you woke up at 4AM to get ready for.
God says this same position that many married women understand applies to our relationship with Him. The scenario is the same, the feelings are the same, the covenant is the same, the sacrifice is the same, the selflessness is the same, the desire is the same. There is only one major difference and that is that God is God, and He means every word of His vows. People will disappoint you constantly because they are just that: people. They don’t mean to hurt you, but they are guilty of letting that selfishness leak in every now and then.
I would never have agreed to marry Ben unless I really knew him. Ben and I dated over a year before we got engaged; whereas, my mom and dad got engaged after six months. I don’t think there’s a time limit in really getting to know someone before you become engaged. You will never know everything about someone, because the time you spend getting to know one another throughout your years together feeds the relationship, allowing it to grow to its fullest potential. I hear so many people say that they are afraid to commit to God because they don’t know enough yet. That’s fair. Confessing that Jesus Christ is the Son of God is getting harder and harder to admit as the world entices more and more to its lies. But, understand that you will never know all that there is to know about God here on this earth. I committed my life to Jesus when I realized I couldn’t save myself. I couldn’t be a good person on my own because I wasn’t a good person on my own. I stood on feelings of actions instead of truths of actions. I committed to marrying Ben when I knew he wasn’t just someone I could live with, but he was someone I could not live without.
Sacrifice was the hardest part of the marital lifestyle. I remember waking up the day after my wedding. We spent the night in the most boujee hotel. I rolled over and saw Ben asleep next to me. My first thought was, “Aw, man. I’m never going to have my own bed ever again.” Ben does a great job at letting me live a very spoiled life, but there are still sacrifices we both chose to make because our relationship and desire for one another is worth it. I don’t love doing two sets (now four sets) of laundry every week, but if that extra set of laundry means I’m still his wife and he’s still living in my house, I’ll take it.
Committing your life to God is about sacrifice. We sacrifice the things we think we might want to do because we know we could better spend our energy on things to bring glory to Him. When we think about our relationship with God, we think about the ultimate sacrifice that God gave in sending His Son for us. This time of year we always watch White Christmas. Phil saved Bob from a falling concrete wall and saved his life. He spends the next several months and years using that sacrifice to manipulate Bob to feed his selfish desires. God isn’t like that. God never says, “You owe me this. I saved your life.” God allows us to choose Him, and even when we mess up, He still saves us over and over again. That’s unconditional love. Godly relationships don’t keep score.
When I got to college, I had my “date to marry” mindset and quickly realized I was in the minority. Everyone date hopped every night. No one wanted to commit to one person because they had FOMO on what else could be out there. 15+ years have passed, and I see that many of them are on their second or third marriages. I don’t know each individual circumstance, but I do know that some of the relationships ended because of infidelity. For those of us who have never cheated on our spouse with someone else, it’s easy for us to silently judge. I was humbled by our seventh year of marriage. Ben had just finished grad school and the kids were 4 and 2. I had a huge spring production that year, and show week included 14+ hours of rehearsal each day leading up to 3 shows that weekend. The Sunday afternoon before show week, we were upstairs letting the kids play while we watched a movie. Ben and I had been having surface level, business meeting conversations for about 2 years at that point. I blamed it on his absence during grad school, and he blamed it on my exhaustion. We talked about the upcoming week, and I could tell he was frustrated. I made a comment like, “You can be a single parent for one week, I’ve done it the last 2 years.” And he responded, “Yeah, but this is your career. I have to be a single parent multiple weeks out of the year for the rest of my life.” I fumed. He continue on to say that it felt like I was having an affair. I immediately turned around defensively, knowing that I had been nothing but faithful for those last seven years. He continued, “It feels like you’re having an affair with your job.” Those words stung. It was a sting that hit every part of my soul, because I knew he was right. My desire for top notch productions and an internationally acclaimed program became unbalanced with my desire that I once had for my husband. I wanted to know everything I could about how to get my program to the top, and I stopped caring about knowing more and more about Ben. Together, we sacrificed time, money, and even time with our kids at times, to be able to reestablish our relationship.
God is our bridegroom. We are His bride. Anytime we choose to desire something over our desire for Him, we’ve got to call it what it is: infidelity. I never knew what it really meant to desire God until later on in my life, and yeah, I grew up in the church. I could regurgitate facts and scriptures like the best of them, but I lacked one important thing. I didn’t really know God apart from the flip charts. I have felt so many desires above God and then wondered why my life had no peace. I am guilty of blaming God for things that didn’t go my way because I had no idea what it really meant for His ways to be better than mine. I withheld trust from Him because I desired control more than faith. A marriage can’t last if the wife is untrusting, unfaithful, placing blame, and doesn’t truly know her bridegroom. I don’t know of many men who are willing to work to reestablish a relationship with a woman like that. I do know several men who would justify their feelings with Matthew 5:31-32 and call it quits. But, when you really get to know God, you know that He is going to run back to you. (Luke 15:20).
I love learning new things about Ben Bradford. I learned this week that he likes sour cream. Who knew? I’m meditating this week on getting to know My Father better too. If you are wanting this desire where you crave God more than your favorite holiday dessert, I encourage you to meditate on the following scriptures, yourself.
2 Peter 3:18, 2 Timothy 3:16, Hebrews 4:12, James 4:7, John 1:1, Johns 17:3, Philippians 3:10, Proverbs 8:17, Psalm 119:105, Romans 12:2, 1 John 3:6, 1 John 4:6-7, Jeremiah 31:33-34, Jeremiah 9:23-24, Jeremiah 29:11-13
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