2018: Summer of Teaching
2019: Summer of Grad School
2020: Summer of COVID
2021: Summer of Travel
2022: Summer of Fasting
“Here is the way I want you to fast. ‘Set free those who are held by chains without any reason. Untie the ropes that hold people as slaves. Set free those who are crushed. Break every evil chain.” -Isaiah 58:6
This blog has been about 18 months in the works. I’m currently on some medicines for strep and tonsillitis, so bear with me. My brother and I grew up cushy. We talk about it still to this day what a blessed childhood we had. Sure, we went through loss, hard work, friendship drama, and tough life decisions. But, our family was a core unit that always came back to the home base for comfort and support. Nevertheless, we had good health, good values, and each other.
I’m going to be very vulnerable because it’s a great reflection for me, but hopefully it might inspire you if you’re feeling the chains tighten as well. I was so excited to turn 30. My students and I counted down the days to turning “Big Girl 30.” We were gonna celebrate the decade. My husband threw me a beautiful surprise birthday party with some of my closest friends and family. Once the party was over, I opened one last gift: The gift of change. I was always game for change as long as it brought something exciting. This was a different kind of change; a change I didn’t want, but needed. Tony Robbins said, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
At 30, I was diagnosed with PCOS. For someone that has been body conscious her whole life, this threw me into overdrive. I was cracking then, but at 32, I broke. My doctor wanted to try Ozempic for me since, at this point, PCOS was causing me to gain 12 pounds a week eating a low carb, sugar free, 1500 calories diet each day. We were scheduled to start injections on January 1. THEN COVID. I got COVID during Christmas in 2020. COVID gave me parosmia (an abnormality in the sense of smell). I couldn’t smell normally for 10 months. It’s been 2 years and some things still aren’t back to normal. Once my 10 day recovery period of COVID passed, I started Ozempic. I mean, it did what it was supposed to. I lost 40 lbs. I looked great, and felt miserable. After 6 months of taking it, I was taken off it immediately because even though it cost me weight, it also cost me hypoglycemia, a protein deficiency, and a week later, my gallbladder. A month later, I had major sinus surgery. Aside from the health drama, my family (immediate and extended) were dealing with lots of trials: my brother’s fiance and children trying to move to America, my dad’s cancerous tumor, etc. This was the tenth birthday of the Muscle Shoals Performing Arts Program. The program has hit such success that we’ve outgrown our program. We’re having to cut more than we cast, and that alone brings so much stress. I spent all of last school year surviving: surviving as a mom, a teacher, a wife, and a friend.
By the end of this school year, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wore a smile and “people pleased” my way through every conversation. I was scared to admit that I had a problem because from the outside, I could fake it to make it. (Thanks MA in Theater Ed!) I had lost all control. Right as summer began, I started having migraine trouble again, I shattered. For the first time in months, I cried. Sobbed. Crashed to my hands and knees in prayer. My favorite place to pray is in my closet. Matthew 6:6 encourages this type of place. I turned out the lights and shut the door until I couldn’t see anything except my true, deep down, gut wrenching thoughts. I asked, “Why?” a whole lot. After about 30 minutes of pure confession, apology, and begging for healing and guidance, God placed this thought on my heart: Do you believe me, or just believe in me?
I began a study in Isaiah about dealing with Anxiety. I learned that there is only one cure for anxiety and that is in authority: God’s authority. When I started giving up control to Him, I felt that “peace that passes understanding” (Philippians 4:6). God was changing me to become a stronger, greater Hannah Bradford. And if He made me like new once, I know He can do it again.
When our hydrangea bushes started taking over our house, we decided to cut them back. We had the fear that they wouldn’t bloom. During the cold months, they looked like naked stubs-they were hideous. By spring, we had never seen so many beautiful blooms. During the cold months, I’ve been an ugly stub with fears that I would never be able to bloom again. But the warmer months have come, and I have been properly cared for. “You heavens above, rain down my righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness flourish with it. I, THE LORD, HAVE CREATED IT!” (Isaiah 45:8)
I’ve also been pruned. When I had control, I couldn’t put up the proper boundaries because I feared displeasing people. It never occurred to me that saying, “yes” to people would, in turn, say “no” to God and what He has called me to do. The best way I could find to prune my life was by fasting. In high school, I went through a break-up. I found myself stalking social media to see what he was up to and if he had moved on from me. God finally stopped me one night as I was logging on asking, “What are you doing?” I was embarrassed to answer. I pushed back my desk chair and grabbed my Bible. Isaiah 58:6 says, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?” I took 10 days off of social media. Anytime I was tempted to get on, I’d write in my prayer journal instead. I still have those prayers. When I read them, I can see the work God was doing in my life. Once the fast was over, I wasn’t as tempted to browse the news feed. My relationship with God was enough, and everything else was extra.
I haven’t had that close of a relationship with the Father in a long time. I knew that if I was pruning out and being more present, social media had to go. Other than the occasional post for work and monthly picture uploads for my family back home, I deleted the apps for the summer. I saw how much time I had, how often I was lied to by the enemy, how to be present with my family, how awkward I am when my hands aren’t glued to my phone, how much anxiety is embedded in social media, how many relationships needed to go, and how much I was missing out on in the relationship with my Savior.
Finally, this summer of blooming connected me with an incredible ministry counselor who has given me the tools that I needed to overcome my anxiety that also corresponds with the Word. I’ve discovered a lot about myself like, I love running, Sadie Robertson’s Podcasts, puzzles, reading, ax throwing, yoga, and mediation. This may seem simple, but two months ago, I couldn’t name one hobby outside of my job. I’ve learned that some people won’t like you-and that’s okay! It’s not a you issue; it’s a boundary issue. You are allowed to set up as many boundaries as you need to protect your life. Not everyone will respect your boundaries because they don’t always benefit them. But you can love them with the fence locked. My brother and I lived a cushy life because of the boundaries set up for us by our parents. When we were little, our friends used to tell us that our parents were the strictness parents they’ve ever met. They weren’t wrong. And I’m so grateful.
I am grateful for this summer of fasting. I can see the buds starting to form into blooms. I’m giving God back the pen to finish writing my life story, because clearly, I wasn’t doing too hot when I was in control. Oh, yeah. And I chopped my hair off. Hey, change you hair, change your life.
“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.” -Philippians 2:13
Comments