I’ve been on a journey lately to get to know God more intimately. What He has blessed me with additionally is getting to know myself in more detail. I’m an enneagram three, also known as the “achiever.” So much of what I do is to receive approval by other people. Even God! I find myself doing things for His approval, thinking He loves me because of what I do, instead of who I am. I’m grateful that He’s patiently working with me in this transition into learning the truth.
Getting out of my own way to recognize what is true in my life has been tough. I discovered half the shoes in my closet aren’t really my taste, the shows I watch aren’t really my humor, and even some of the decor in my house I bought for conversation purposes-not because I really liked it.
The scariest part of discovering my true self was listening to my conversations with people. Now, you know I love to talk, so conversations take up the majority of my day. I spent a full day listening to my conversations with the intent of figuring out more about who I am. I learned that, just like most of my other qualities, I said things to please other people. I would phrase things that wouldn’t hurt their feelings, I would brag about something that would lift myself to be someone worth having a conversation with, or the worst, I would engage in hearsay that would captivate the listener. As soon as I would hear the gossip leave my mouth, I would feel guilty and throw in an apologetic statement starting with the single most dangerous word in the English language: BUT.
“She has gained so much weight, but I’m sure she’s just struggling with a medical condition.”
“I can forgive him, but I don’t have to forget it.”
“I love you, but sometimes you are the messiest person alive.”
“I love God, but I know how to have a good time.”
The word, “but” negates everything that precedes it. The first part of the phrase explains what you should say, or maybe what you think the person wants to hear, but what you say after the “but” is how you really feel.
In my field, we are taught to give a complimentary sandwich. It’s two positive comments with constructive criticism in the middle. But what is a sandwich? Two soft pieces of bread with meat in the middle. The meat is the star of the show! So how come the “carbs are bad” generation is so afraid to absorb just the meat? Why can’t we just have the criticism or just have the phrase after the “but”?
Proverbs 15:31-32 says, “Whoever listens to a warning that gives life will be at home among those who are wise. Those who turn away from correction hate themselves. But anyone who accepts correction gains understanding.”
Using “but” may not necessarily mean the first part of the phrase is a lie. If you can substitute “but” for “and”, that might be a better way to communicate what you’re trying to say. We just don’t want to get caught up in allowing unrighteous conversation to become the exception when followed by “but.” (All you “bless your heart” folks know what I’m talking about.)
Just say what you mean. Don’t worry about whether or not the truth is going to be well received by the hearer. You can’t control the way they hear things. You are instructed to let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”. (Matthew 5:37) Adding a “but” makes it “yes/no”, and “yes/no” isn’t truth. It’s language for a people pleaser. God pleasers can’t be people pleasers.
Observe your conversations today to see if you’ve got a “but” problem. Try subbing the word “and” instead, and if you can’t do that, chances are you aren’t being true to your thoughts. The cure for any “but” problem is truth.
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